When two lives intimately intertwine in marriage and invest so much emotionally, separation is traumatic at best. If children are involved it is often a disaster. What follows is not so much a how to, or how not to, but a heads up about the realities of divorce.
 
The mate with whom the past is shared is a connection to personal history, giving a sense of grounding, belonging, and purpose. When there is a separation, connections are severed not only to the mate but also to the shared history. It is like tearing off one's skin. Since marriage is in large part an effort to not be lonely, divorce represents a failed attempt that then amplifies the sense of loneliness.
 
In an ideal world divorce would never happen. In an ideal world the choice of a mate would be perfect and people would never change in their likes, dislikes, and desires. However, this is not an ideal world and people are not perfect. In a free society children may choose life partners at an age when they have no real idea what life is even about. Lack of life experience causes them to see others through hope and illusion, whereas if they could only open their eyes, the end is there in the beginning. Also, with age, experience, and education people may grow apart in life goals. There could be any number of reasons why people feel the need to separate, including just the inability to remain happy within the marriage when there is really no significant problem and no fault with either party.
 
Often, however, sufficient reason to separate from the security and history of an existing marriage does not occur until a person is attracted to a new person who seems to be an answer to discontent. Although no new mate ever solves one's personal problems, life is what we imagine it to be. The prospect of a new life, like a horse breaking from the gate, is almost impossible to contain. Once a person projects a new life through another person, the acute pain of divorce is usually chosen over the perceived chronic pain of not being able to have the new life. Whether it is true or not, emotion chokes out reason and divorce is seen as creating the least pain.

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People who are happy and content in a relationship may believe things will never change for them, or for anyone else for that matter. But life is change, so no one should get too smug or judgmental towards those who do change and then divorce. Also consider that everyone 'divorces' others throughout life. We leave our parents, move away from communities, change friends, switch girlfriends or boyfriends, leave fellow workers for another job, or fire an employee. These acts all sever relationships to one degree or another. So no one can be self-righteous and 'without sin' with regard to separating from other people in life.
 
The difference between divorce and other interpersonal breakups is not so much a clear matter of morality. It's just that marriage is far more entangled emotionally, biologically, historically, economically, and legally than, say, a friendship. It's better to think, "There but for the grace of God go I," than to self-righteously condemn divorcees.
 
People going through divorce need understanding, empathy, and compassion every bit as much as those who have lost someone to death. The pain they feel is real and awful enough without other people's sanctimonious condemnation. Nobody has the ability or right to peer into the hearts and minds of others and cast stones at them for choosing friends and mates, or for moving on from them.
 
That being said, divorce is a decision that haunts people in one way or another for the rest of their lives. A divorce is never really final. Remnants of it will remain forever, particularly if the parties do not make a special effort for civility, and when children are involved.
 
Unfortunately a legal fight—fueled by an adversarial legal system—is too often used to vent emotions when trust and communication end. Money and property are thrown into the mix reducing what beauty there was in the relationship to the ugliness of a closeout sale with the parties scrambling for all they can get without regard for the feelings or rights of the other. Love, trust, and friendship are reduced to an ugly legal battle over marital assets. In some cases, the bitterness and hate created in this battle are more tolerable than the guilt or pain of the separation itself, so the parties drag it out. The legal battle may also be stoked if one of the parties finds it to be the only remaining means of access to a lost mate. In any event, surviving a contentious divorce is a feat of no small magnitude.
 
One thing is certain: divorce grows people up quickly. It forces a person to come face to face with some hard realities regarding relationships, economics, expectations, ethics, and the legal system. But they are hard lessons to learn by this means. Soldiers in the line of battle grow up, too, but there are better, kinder, and gentler ways.
 
Next to the death of a loved one, there is nothing quite so emotionally devastating as divorce. For some, the living reminder of a mate doing fine without them is worse than if the mate had died. Regardless of the circumstances, both sides hurt and it will take at least two years to recover. In the meantime, being decent, respectful, and humane to someone we have been so close to should be the utmost priority. More is at stake than just hurt feelings.
 
For divorced individuals, the death rate from cancer equals that of those married who smoke a pack or more of cigarettes a day. Cardiovascular disease and strokes double, premature death is up to ten times more likely, death from pneumonia is more than seven times greater, susceptibility to acute conditions (immune suppression) such as infectious disease, parasites, digestive problems and trauma is increased, and rheumatoid arthritis and osteoarthritis are increased. Psychiatric visitations are up to nine times more frequent; hospitalization is as much as 21 times greater. The risk of suicide is four times greater (divorce being the number one risk factor), and automobile fatalities triple.
 
Children can suffer for a lifetime if parents don't handle divorce well. Fighting and attempts by parents to poison a child against the other are disastrous. Children need assurance that they are not at fault and will be cared for unconditionally. They need love and a sense of stability during this time of crisis. If the rocks in their lives—the parents—start hammering at one another, the child's world crumbles.
 
Additionally, children can be their own cause of problems in later life. Many use a divorce as a selfish opportunity to manipulate parents, gather sympathy, or as a cross and excuse for not living life well. For children who see a divorce as about them, or who use it as an excuse for not getting about their own lives, life span may be shortened by as much as 10 years, alcohol and drug abuse are increased, and girls are 60% more likely to divorce, and boys 32% more likely.1
 
Although divorce may give a new lease on life for some, it can also be one of the worst experiences life has to offer. Its commonness does not diminish this fact. People must be wise and do their due diligence before going into marriage and then expend considerable effort to make it work. Although emotions tend to rule relationships, thinking is what matters in choosing a mate, staying in a relationship, and getting out if necessary.