66. LIFE IS UNCERTAIN

Expectations in our early years go a long way in determining our happiness. Certainly setting lofty goals and working hard to achieve them is important. But that is not the ethic promoted in the modern world. We are led to believe that things come easily, we can avoid unpleasantness, we are entitled, immediate gratification is only a few dollars away and—perhaps most delightful of all—we are the focus of other peoples' attention and interest. Moreover, when young, we assume that if we jump through the hoops of going to school, landing a job, getting married, having children, and making big bucks we will live happily ever after. Life can seem so certain when we are young and look forward.
 
Entertainment presents a Pollyanna ideal in which people are physically perfect, apparently don't worry, are certain of their life's course, always have fulfilling love and companionship, are secure in themselves, and seem to have abolished all negative aspects of life. Commerce exploits these fantasies by attempting to convince us that their products and services are the means to a perfect life. Surgeons reshape bodies, closets bulge with every new fashion, impoverished ghetto children wear $150 sneakers, zillionaires glut themselves with the best that money can buy, and therapists are used as a substitute for personal reflection, learning, healthy life choices, exercise of conscience, and self-responsibility.
 
But as time marches on, an idealistic life is not our life. We make mistakes, we hate to take risks, we are uncertain, financial security seems elusive, there isn't time to interact properly with those we love, our face has a new wrinkle, our hairline is reced­ing, problems continue to mount, and we do not feel as though we are gaining more control, but rather losing it. When we contrast real life against the ideal marketed to society, we can feel failure, inadequacy, bitterness, social alienation, and hopelessness. All because we are chasing a fantasy, an unreal mythology about how life should be, rather than how it is.

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This is the reality:
 
• Pain, difficulty, and failure are part and parcel of being alive. (Notice even movie stars, sports heroes, moguls, and presidents face crises and tragedy.)
• The future cannot be programmed, it is uncertain.
• Any accomplishment requires hard work and dedication, both to achieve and maintain.
• Everyone is not looking at us, we are not the center of other peoples' universe, and it's not 'all about me.'

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• No matter what you do, you cannot avoid the above.
• None of this will ever change.
 
We can't perfect life and then get it to stand still. Of course we would like to grip some experiences forever, such as our children's early years of innocence, winning at sports, the love and adoration of parents, receiving an honor, being in love, and good friendships. While we're saving and savoring all these things, at the same time we would like to be able to remove the pain from the loss of a loved one, the incapacity of illness, the loss of a critical sale or game, or rejection by a friend. Confusion and uncertainty are season ticket holders on the roller coaster of life. Life is a flow of events, a never-ending succession of peaks and valleys. Although we may attempt to deny this and work against it, we will not succeed. But that is okay.
 
It is best to be aware of and accept life's uncertainty. If we know we will be faced with the unexpected then we will not be unduly surprised and can set about making the necessary adjustments rather than whining and beating our chests in despair. Much better to label events as failure, tragedy, success, or happiness, and see them for what they are: momentary happenings that will be replaced with yet others. By not embracing too tenaciously that which will not remain (everything), we open ourselves to new adventures, challenges, and joys, and avoid the trap of always looking backward with regret or longing.
 
We get a grip on reality when we see life as a process, a dynamic with unpredictable curves, stops, reverses, and new paths over which we may not have con­trol, and some choices over which we do. Part of that reality is that life's uncertainty and challenges are what we need to become better people. Without forks in the road we cannot exercise choice and conscience. Without trying times we do not reflect on who we really are—people who are here for the purpose of becoming, becoming better people.